| Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus | |
|---|---|
| Author(s) | John Gray |
| Country | United States |
| Language | English |
| Genre(s) | Nonfiction |
| Publisher | HarperCollins |
| Publication date | April 1, 1992 |
| Media type | Hardcover |
| Pages | 286 |
| ISBN | 978-0‐06‐016848‐3 |
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a book written by American author, and relationship counselor, John Gray. The book has sold more than 7 million copies, and the author claims it to be the best selling book of the 1990s,[1] though CNN placed it at number 3[2] (number 1 in nonfiction) spending 121 weeks on the bestseller list. The book and its central metaphor have become an established part of popular culture and are the foundation for the author's subsequent books, recordings, seminars, theme vacations, a one-man Broadway show and a TV sitcom.
Contents |
Gray's book proposes that a large number of common relationship problems between men and women are a result of fundamental differences between the genders, which Gray exemplifies by means of the book's eponymous metaphor: that men and women are from distinct planets, - men from Mars and women from Venus - and that each gender is acclimated to its own planet's society and customs, but not those of the other.
One example from this paradigm is the book's claim that men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions while women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged. Gray also believes that the genders can be understood in terms of purported differences in how they behave under stress.
Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. He says that men tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) for what they think are Big Acts, while women give each act of love one point at a time. According to Gray, women tend to keep a Points System that few men are aware of. Gray writes that men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment develops. He states that this is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.
According to Gray, women and men are often surprised to find that their partner "keeps score' at all, and that their scoring methods are different. The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the woman has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly. Men tend to think they can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do anything else. They assume the woman will be satisfied with it. To the woman, she would rather have many Little Acts on a regular basis. The reason is that women like to think their man is thinking of them and cares for them on a regular basis.
Another major idea in Gray's books are the differences he believes operate in terms of the way the genders react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave". In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. In these "caves", men (writes Gray) are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand; many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.
Gray holds that this retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues (even if talking does not solve the problem). This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. According to Gray this becomes a major source of conflict between women and men.
The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. When they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman needs the love, listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her (including self love). Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and once again has love and energy to give. Men, advised Gray, must support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel this way.
The book has sold more than 7 million copies and according to a 1997 report by the book's publisher, HarperCollins, it is the all time, best-selling hardcover nonfiction book. CNN reports that it was the best selling nonfiction book of the 1990s[2].
The book has become a “popular paradigm” for problems in relationships based on the different tendencies in each gender and has spawned infomercials, audiotapes and videotapes, weekend seminars, theme vacations, a one-man Broadway show, a TV sitcom plus a proposed movie topic with 20th Century Fox.[3][4][5]
The book has also been criticized for placing human psychology into stereotypes.[6][7][8][9][10] In 2002, author Julia T. Wood published a critical response to the portrayal of the genders in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.[11] In 2004 a Purdue University communications professor said that based on research she conducted using questionnaires and interviews, men and women are not so different and "books like John Gray's Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus and Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand tell men that being masculine means dismissing feelings and downplaying problems. That isn't what most men do, and it isn't good for either men or women."[12]